Thursday, December 2
sneezing like crazy from the dust in my room. anyway i've cleared everything up, there's almost no hint that i even took the o' levels. and i can even see my table top! but now it's cluttered a bit with the christmas gift tags i'm making.. i'm not doing proper cards this year for everyone if you don't mind.. i know you people always make fun of my lengthy and crappy christmas cards so i'll only send them to people to whom i really have a lot of crap to say. wahaha. no anthrax, i promise. going out today to get the fabric paints and glitter and all that. mine are quite dried. i'm lazy to dress.. why don't i have more jeans.. i don't want to wear heels.. my legs are tired.. i want to wear flats.. but you can't wear some jeans with flats.. gah i might end up wearing a skirt. oh no. poor siti. think she'll flop over and die. cos i always sit down at spotlight to decide what to buy. ahh well.
my eyes are all puffy from last night. i wish i were a stronger person, i wish i didn't break down quite so often, i wish.. that i were anyone but me. someone better. someone stronger. someone righter. someone braver. so many things i have to say, but i can't bring myself to. sometimes i know what i want to say, word for word, but i just can't speak them. other times i feel things in endless waves of emotions, and i don't know how to express myself simply to other people. i don't like it when people stare at me blankly and go 'huh'. it makes me feel stupid. and misunderstood. so i'll say something totally different, i'll say something that makes it sound like i don't care about anything or anyone.. and then people think that's the person i am, that i don't care for anyone else. but it's not that i don't. i do, it's just that sometimes i'm scared to show i care, so i act like i don't. i don't even make sense. i'm not walking away because i'm strong enough to stay, but because i have nowhere to go. i wish i could say what i really want to.. instead of going around and around and being afraid of regretting.. i've regretted enough. sometimes you regret saying something.. and other times you regret not saying it. i don't know which is worse, but it seems to me that i'll always regret.. and think about the might-have-beens.. and feel like such a fool.. am i a greater fool for not knowing when i've been had, or for not stopping something that i should? well i've committed both crimes. i must be the greatest fool of all. dare i say it? not now. maybe not ever. maybe i'll wait til you're gone, then i'll kneel down at your grave and whisper the words i don't dare say now. maybe i'll feel a greater fool then, talking to someone who's not there. but oh i don't know. i hope no one even knows what i'm talking about. i was staring at the sky last night. i'm always staring at the sky for no good reason apparently. well. there is a reason. when i look into the sky i think of you. the vast darkness.. the occasional star.. the cold and brooding moon.. i'm reminded of you. when people point out shooting stars to me, i wonder if somewhere out there someone is watching it fall across the sky too. i know i'm mad. i really am. damnit if i could erase my memory i would. memories are beautiful. but they are only memories. that was then, this is now. i've got to live for now. but i'm always walking forwards looking backwards, thinking of you. maybe someday i'll look back at this and laugh, i'll look at the sky and see nothing but what should be seen. i won't see my freedom written in the formation of the clouds. i won't see what cannot be.
let's pretend that i've moved on, and i'll tell myself that life goes on without you.. -- i run away --
it must've been love.
11:19 am
xoxo
